Give me the strength to keep going...

I am almost 6months pregnant with my first child, Weston Jeremiah. He was a beautiful surprise to me. His creation has forever changed me in the best and most indescribable ways. When I feel him kick, it brings me a sense of serenity, which at this point I'm low on.

I'm discovering that my ways of life have got to change. Don't misunderstand me. I don't drink, do drugs, or cause bodily harm to myself. The worst I did before I was pregnant was drink too many mountain dews and smoke cigarettes. What I mean to say is I'm an overly caring and let's face it, codependent person who gives everything I have and then is left with nothing for myself.

I have been in a consistent uphill battle since Weston was conceived. I've been in almost a perpetual state of stress or complete disruption. I have wanted only two things this entire pregnancy. One, I will leave out since I don't know how to publish this for my eyes only and the other is to enjoy my pregnancy and make it a healthy one.

This is suppose to be the happiest time of my life. And don't get me wrong, when it comes to Weston and feeling him and looking at his amazing 3D ultrasound pictures, it is the happiest time. But when I have to leave my private world that is just between the two of us it's filled with sadness, loneliness, and heartache.

I am facing the most difficult decisions that I will have ever had to make. And in the end, either way I go, I lose. Weston will not suffer, I will make sure of that but part of me will. But I will give anything to make sure my baby is safe, healthy, happy and in the best environment I can provide. He deserves a stable, consistent upbringing, filled with only people that will love him and help him stay on the right path.

I am not a religious person, and I don't claim to know anything about God or Godlike beings but since my pregnancy I am convinced there is something bigger than me out there. This miracle can't just be a fluke thing. So, I want to publicly thank the Higher Power for my son. My life has true purpose and meaning. I am so grateful for him. My thank you's will never be enough but they are all I have to give.

Weston Jeremiah, I love you more than anything in this entire world, and I will always protect and care for you. You have made my life better and I haven't even met you yet. The day I get to hold you will be the most amazing day in the whole world. Stay strong and healthy my love and keep kicking me! It's what gets me through the rough days. I love you.